The second time round..

The 15th September 2017 our lives changed yet again….

A few days prior Kere and I had started a discussion on when we thought we would want to possibly have another baby. Trying to think about what time of year would be ideal (due to wanting to try avoid having a baby during the busy times on the farm). I went to bed thinking about it all and suddenly had this thought of “when was my last period??” Paisley was only around 6-7 months old, I had my hands full with her, and just couldn’t remember when I last had my period. I honestly didn’t think much else of it.

I was taking the contraceptive pill, but I will admit I wasn’t very good at taking it. Apart from the fact I was busy with paisley and my days were so erratic (I would forget) I think I was also naive, I really didn’t think I would get pregnant that soon after having a baby! You kind of think your body would want a break!

So 15th September 2017, I brought a test and took it at home just casually around lunchtime. Paisley was playing in the lounge. I peed on the stick, put it down, went to my room to do something, then came back to look at the stick! I was in total shock, I had to grab the instruction manual to double check what the positive sign looked like! I didn’t know what to do, so many emotions hit me instantly! I wanted to cry, laugh, vomit, you name it. I walked into the lounge where paisley was playing and sat on the couch. I just said “omg paisley, mummy is having a baby!” hearing those words come out of my mouth, to my little baby sitting in front of me was surreal! I instantly grabbed my phone and called one of my best friends (who has a little boy the same age as paisley) and was also newly pregnant! On one hand I was absolutely terrified and yet on the other hand knowing I had this friend right by my side going through the exact same thing made me relax a little, talking to her was exactly what I needed, especially before breaking the news to Kere.

I had no special way of telling Kere this time round, he literally came home from work said hello, and I just blurted out “so……I’m pregnant!!” I think his reaction was a bit of a laugh followed by “seriously?!”. We both just sat in silence for a minute not really knowing exactly what to say!

On Saturday night (the night after I had found out I was pregnant) is a night that still vividly sticks out in my mind. We had keres brother and his girlfriend staying with us, who were about 15 weeks pregnant with their first! Paisley had the worst night she had ever had since being born. She quite literally screamed all night. I ended up on the couch with her, bawling my eyes out too, wondering how on earth we could possibly do this with another baby around! Poor Dylan and Nicole saw the absolute extreme of what having kids can look like! I had to reassure Nicole that next morning that last night was very out of the ordinary, all while keeping it quiet that we were infact also pregnant!

The next few weeks following were a huge emotional struggle for me! I was dealing with a huge amount of guilt as I felt like I didn’t want to have this baby! I just didn’t feel ready! To this day I still feel guilty that those thoughts crossed my mind. I know there are SO many deserving couples out there that can not have children for whatever unfair reason, and to have this absolute blessing and feel as though I didn’t want it really unsettled me. I’m sure paisley picked up on my stress as she also became very unsettled, especially at night. This meant I was literally exhausted from lack of sleep and the pregnancy as well as dealing with such immense emotions, I was seriously at breaking point! I think I look back at this time and wish I had expressed my emotions and concerns with someone, instead I just hid it all to myself as I was so ashamed of how I felt about being pregnant!

Our 12 week scan came around, I invited my sisters to some along with us (they definitely helped me get more excited about this as they were bouncing off the walls). And there it was, right in front of me, my little baby! Something hit me that day, I fell in love again, with this little life growing inside me!! I was almost instantly awoken out of my slump. I went home, and I decided to make some changes to get our lives back on track. I did more sleep training with paisley, and she started sleeping through the night again! And I told myself, each night before I go to sleep, to put my hands on my growing belly and tell that little baby how loved it is! I almost felt like I needed to give this baby extra love to make up for the lack of love I had given it to start!

Life became so much happier! And my pregnancy flew by smoothly. I was monitored very closely with my antibody present again! The care I received from my midwife (not the midwife I had in my pregnancy with paisley, but the midwife I had postpartum with paisley) was amazing! I felt so looked after, and always knew this little baby was growing perfectly!

As the pregnancy progressed I became more and more excited to meet our new little bundle, to see paisley as a big sister and to find out if we would have a little boy or girl. I knew without a doubt thought, boy or girl, this baby was going to be so loved by our family!

May 15th 2018, it was 8pm. Kere and I were sitting on the couch watching Telly, when all of a sudden I felt a POP…….

labour and brith story to come!